Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Me vs. Myself vs. I

I have created this blog for no one but me. Its sole purpose is to give me an outlet to vent my anger and frustration, to lay bare all the things that haunt me, that interfere with my marriage and with my peace of mind.

This is where it begins. This is the place where I will identify and come face to face with my so-called inner demons. Unfortunately, every single one of those demons looks like me. Weird. Anyway, they allow and encourage me to buy into all the bullshit that the media wants to sell to me. They want me to keep sizing up the random girl next to me, comparing thigh sizes, wondering if she looks better in a two-piece or if I'm the loser of that round. They want me to feel threatened by younger women, and force me to feel guilty about every piece of food that I consume. They want to keep me awake at night wondering whether it was me or the hot girl on TV that my husband was fantasizing about during sex. The torturous list goes on and on.

I am not a feminist. I am not a man-hater. I am not a lesbian. I am not the kind of girl who wishes ill will on pretty girls. Okay, that part was a lie. Yeah, I do that, and it's an immature thing to do, and it's birthed from my own insecurity, but also from my shallowness. Another nameless demon. Sheesh.

My demons suck. I want them evicted. They are good-for-nothings. Freeloaders. Spacehogs. They are taking up precious space in my soul and in my dwindling peace of mind. They are making my existence a very literal nightmare.

I want to live again. I want freedom from my psycho thoughts. I want my marriage to be divorced from the damage these demons have inflicted.

And I let them.

By writing this blog, I can explore all the things that tear me up, and then I can explore the reasons WHY all these things tear me up. Sounds, easy. It's not. This is going to suck, and I will more than likely learn some hard truths about myself that I am currently not willing to admit to.

So it begins.

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